I'm listening to Lucky Man -- the version by the Verve, not Emerson, Lake and Palmer. The studio version, although the acoustic version is quite good as well. I usually don't look for songs that match my mood, but tonight was an exception.

Happiness, more or less

It's just a change in me

Something in my liberty


Happiness, coming and going

I watch you look at me

Watch my fever growing

I know just where I am.


But how many corners do I have to turn?

How many times do I have to learn

All the love I have is in my mind?


Well, I'm a lucky man

With fire in my hands

I just got off the phone with Evan (not his real name). He was a student of mine at Maryland -- he was a freshman the year I started working there. Currently he works for a major accounting firm in Manhattan. And 10 days from now, they're sending him down here for six weeks to work on a project. And to live at the Ritz-Carlton. Lap of Luxury... Anyhow, I've been excited to see him again, introduce him to the kid, etc.

Evan's a really sweet kid. Has always been since I've known him. One of the most genuine people I had come across working there. Sharp, good-looking, inquisitive, extroverted, compassionate. He was in a long term relationship with Alison -- a relationship which I seriously thought had the potential for marriage later on. He was a fraternity guy, excelled in the business school, was quite popular. And he would confide in me in times of need. I still remember that day in my office, working through the tears with him as he had to prepare a eulogy for his mother's funeral.

In Yiddish, there's a term we use for this -- Evan is a real mensch. That is -- an amazing, stand-up guy. I knew he would go far. He lives in an apartment on the Upper West Side. Hell, they're putting him up at the Ritz-Fucking-Carlton!

He IM'd me less than a week ago saying that he got dumped by his girlfriend, a med student to whom he was devoting a lot of time and energy. And tonight, he called me. With the guise of wanting me to use my connections to pimp him out. But we got to the bottom of it.

"I feel so empty," he said. This came from a guy who was working 12-14 hour days, worked out regularly, had run 2 marathons already, and would travel regularly to visit his father and his sister. And through this, he had enough energy to focus on this chick who cared more about med school than about him.

We talked more. He mentioned that he's been raising the bar regarding women he's been dating for quite some time. And oh -- by the way -- when he touches down in DC, he already has dinner lined up with someone from college with whom he used to flirt but never had the confidence to let it get any further. He pondered if, perhaps, accounting might not be for him, and perhaps he should try law school and see where that takes him.

"What do you think, Mike? Where am I headed?"

Evan had already accomplished much more at 24 than I would have dreamed of. And he still has potential to do so much more. And he will, too. Yet, to him, I still was the man with all the answers. Mr. "Stuck in the same place with a dead-end job that pays the bills." Rooted into the ground with a family. (Don't get me wrong -- I love my family more than anything -- aside from Mountain Dew Slurpees.) I know nothing about law school or the designer suits he wears to work. But at this moment, I was the successful one with the answers.

Happiness, something in my own place

I'm standing naked

Smiling, I feel no disgrace

With who I am


Happiness, coming and going

I watch you look at me

Watch my fever growing

I know just who I am


But how many corners do I have to turn?

How many times do I have to learn

All the love I have is in my mind?



I hope you understand...

I'm the first to admit that I'm a total drama queen. But this song... and Evan's call... Maybe also two nights in a row eating with A & K at the dinner table as a family...

I certainly don't have all the answers. Very few, if any, in fact. What I do have, however, has not been as obvious to me as it should have been all along. And I need to take care of it more, devote more energy to it. And be sure not to shortchange it.

Cryptic, I know. But I feel the need to think out a couple of projects in my head before committing them here. Bear with me...