"Lock the doors and close the blinds -- we're going for a ride..."

I hate being sick.

I guess you could call it a severe head cold. Allergies perhaps. My throat is scratchy, I've got a constant headache, and my nose and sinuses feel like there's been a five mile traffic backup somewhere in my cheeks and every single fluid in my face has decided to parade by slowly and see the damage.  I don't know if I'm feverish right now, but I've woken up last night with the sensation of my fever breaking a couple of times. And it's difficult for me to concentrate on anything.

    "It might be a tumor."

    "It's not a too-mah!"

Sorry about that. In any case, I started feeling like this yesterday during the day. Compound that with a hectic Monday at work where we're even more short-staffed than usual, customers complaining about poor quality of service on the weekends, extremely long hold times with Verizon, and more. Plus the anxiety that K and I were going through as Av had an appointment with the opthamologist.  His day care teachers had expressed some concern about a small alignment issue with his left eye. It turns out to be strabismus, which is actually not that uncommon. In fact, I was diagnosed with a rather extreme case at 18 months old -- just about Av's age.

So his Mom took him to the doctor yesterday. I stayed at work. He was not happy, nor was she. And he's inherited my farsightedness -- with a prescription slightly less than mine was when I started wearing glasses at 18 months old. Yup -- by the end of this week our baby will be wearing big, thick glasses. And it's likely he'll need them the rest of his life, just like I do.

I hated my glasses throughout grade school -- even through college. I was excited when my parents let me get contacts in junior high school, but I pretty much abandoned them and squinted my way through life aside from reading. I picked up wearing my lenses again 17 years later when I realized my vision wasn't getting any better. I need glasses. But I hate that the prescription makes my eyes look frigging huge. I hated the stigma of them and the teasing throughout school. And I hate the fact that my kid may have to go through the exact same thing.

I know. It's a completely irrational fear. And I shouldn't beat myself up about passing on the hyperopia genes. I'm already worried that he picked up my ADHD. I just want the best for the kid. He deserves it. Any kid who sees his dad lying face down on the bed feeling sick and offers his little blue puppy dog as a comfort? At eighteen months? What a fucking great kid.

But I should have been there with him. I've been through the whole eye thing.

So I was feeling lousy about this yesterday, compounded by my head pounding and my lack of concentration. I came home and simply crashed. And K was wonderful in letting me do so.

This morning I made an attempt to go to work - after all, I don't have a huge amount of sick days amassed, and I know the impact it makes on everyone else if simply one person isn't there. I at least decided I would stick it out until 11am, when the afternoon shift was getting in.  But I'm a stickler for wanting to co complete my work -- and I never want to hand it off to someone else lest it be worked in a half-assed manner. (No, Kate -- not you.)  Then I got stuck on multiple phone calls. To sum up -- I told my boss I was planning to leave at 11am. I got out of there by 2pm.

I took a little nap when I got home, and even treated myself to a long, hot shower. I picked up Av at day care, made him dinner, and mustered enough energy to entertain him until K got home from work and some errands. It's amazing how kids can kind of mellow out on your when you're not feeling 100%. For a while there, I was collapsed on the floor, and he just came over to me and simply put his head on my tummy and rested as well. What a kid...

I then collapsed on the bed again. Now I'm back up -- my body coursing with ibuprofen and 12-hour decongestant. My head is still a mess. I'd like to order myself to simply not  go into work tomorrow and take a sick day.  But I probably will anyway. Damn my work ethic...  This may be yet another sign that it's time to find a healthier relationship at a new workplace...

I hate being sick. I hate that it turns me into a whiny little drama queen.  I only hope I can get back to real life again. And soon...