"Lock the doors and close the blinds -- we're going for a ride..."

Dear NBC:

Hi. My name is Shiny. You may know me from my popular blog at http://shiny.mindsay.com. Or you might be aware of my duties as co-host of the ever popular weekly WTF radio show. And I was just recently featured as a contest and t-shirt winner over at bdtsp, The Best Damn Tech Show, Period.  But all that shouldn't mean as much to you as the fact that I'm a fan of your television network.  Ever since I watched my first episode of "CHiPs" as a wee lad, I knew that your network was something special. Through the years I enjoyed wonderful shows such as "Knight Rider." "Mannimal." "Legmen." And wonderful comedy series favorites like "Gimme A Break!" "Good Morning, Miami," and that "Family Ties" spin-off series called "The Art of Being Nick."

I'm writing this letter because of a recent series of developments which are at the forefront of your mind right now.  The network recently posted a troubling financial outlook which has led to serious cutbacks throughout the network. Which is a shame because when there are cutbacks it can seriously impact a really good show like "Last Call with Carson Daly."  To add more fuel to the fire, we've also just heard from the Fox Broadcasting company that they'll be holding a two-part interview with former football legend O.J.Simpson on November 27 and 29 entitled "If I did it." *wink*  Judith Regan, a publisher whose company is partially owned by FOX, will be interviewing him about how he would have killed his wife a decade ago if he could. Because, of course, he didn't. *wink*

I assume that most of the major networks are worrying about what kind of programming they'll supply during this slot in the coveted sweeps period. As well as some of the minor networks as well, such as the Weather Channel, HGTV and the CW.  How can one counter-program the killer (no pun intended) program?

That's where I come in.

NBC, we all know that OJ Simpson is innocent. *wink* He told us this. And was acquitted in criminal court. Besides, the bloody glove didn't fit! Yet America has made up its mind and has tainted *giggle* Mr. Simpson's legacy of sportsmanship and, well, Juicemanship. Come to think of it, isn't he still looking for his wife's killer? That's not what a guilty man does...

Besides -- I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he didn't do it. *wink* And there's a good reason why.

You see -- it was me. *wink*

And that's why I'd like to pitch your network for some guerrilla counter-programming. An interview with Shiny, over two nights, entitled If I Didn't Do It.  Where I would be interviewed by a member of the NBC News family (preferably Alison Stewart?) And talk, no holds barred, about what I would have done that fateful day if I hadn't spent it committing a violent criminal act.  I would talk about, perhaps, studying for final exams. Or watching the NBA Finals. Perhaps listen to a Blind Melon CD.  There are so many possibilities of the facts I could explore on that fateful day had I not done it. *wink*

And this is the best part.  As we broadcast on the second night, live -- we can film me traveling to the FOX Studio where OJ Simpson will be. And I'll approach him and confess to him right on the spot.  Live. Hopefully it will be a tearful moment which will culminate in hugs.  There's nothing which is better viewing than two grown men hugging. Except for two women kissing.

Come to think of it -- let's bring Alison Stewart along. And have her plant a juicy one on Judith Regan. If the money is right, I think it'll happen.

Speaking of money -- I heard that OJ will be doing this for 3 1/2 million dollars. I know NBC is under quite a bit of budgetary pressure -- so I'll settle for $75,000. Plus transportation. I'll even settle for $25,000 and a kiss from Alison Stewart (but it would have to be before the Judith Regan thingy.)

You may be skeptical as to whether people will watch or not -- mostly because this interview will be both extremely candid and candidly extreme,  and will, in no way, involve hot babes holding and opening briefcases full of money.  How can two people talking be appointment-worthy television?  To that, I'll simply have to answer with the words of Jack Bauer from NBC's smash hit drama, 24 -- "You're going to have to trust me on this."

(I've just been told that "24" isn't actually on NBC. But it really should be.)

Thanks for your consideration. I look forward to your call.

Sincerely.
-- Shiny